Christmas is something we feel but I do not feel it this year. I don’t have any lasting joy invested in “The Holidays”. “The Holidays” are the decor and symbolism of the approaching Christmas and New Year’s season. Currently, my days blend together in one infinite loop. Now, each moment seems what I remember. Currently, I have no use for lights, decorations, presents, and pageants. In the midst of all the fuss over Christmas, I search for authenticity. The season is met with ambivalence and irrelevance. I haven’t listened with excitement to any holiday songs. I’m disconnected. My wish to go back. I wish to revisit a time when people cared far less about what’s in Santa’s sack. This Christmas, I think more of Christ. There’s a hole in my heart for HIM. I’m longing to feel his presence in the hearts of the people around me. I long to start over again. I am fighting to use this time to search my soul. I’m still grateful although there are many times when I find it difficult to smile. When I look at my present state, my faith in Jesus Christ is all there is. Everything else seems like a placeholder. I cannot abandon it, it alone anchors all that good within me. My service to others is not about wanting to look good. I have prideful episodes but I simply need to give. I need to nurture. I need to please God. I welcome the idea that there are pieces of me that only God will understand. I know some people think malice. I know my road is rough. But I believe God will bring me through whatever jars my brain. God only can comfort me when no one understands.
My bible is still a light, even if I forget to pick it up some days. I have the faith to remember that God is watching. He will keep me. I will be okay. Blessing does not mean an absence of tribulation and pain. Blessing is abiding contentment in the midst of a hurricane.