Many Feelings: Contradiction

I have a lot of feelings. That means that I’m complex. I can’t trust these complex feelings when it comes to my writing because if I expect my writing to be good at its start, I am doomed like hell to fall on my fucking face. Ordinarily, I don’t like uttering coarse—and curse words—mindlessly. But today, these words have some purpose. Today, my body was tired. For the first time in days, I took the majority of time to rest my disabled self. My back seemed to be sending me a message that I was over-doing everything. This realization brings me to my friend. A man who, whether he believes it or not, inspires me in his failures. I worry of him and often wonder when he’ll realize that in his stress he has more courage in his will than he knows.

I did a odd thing today, and I listened to the 2016 revival of “Falsettos”. From these tracks I thought back to my singlehood, and how scared I am of those people who represent the false image that everything is “fine” in their lives. Although I see myself as already accomplished enough, here I sit at my desk Cerebral Palsy and all wondering what it would take to continue my creative potential. I hide it well in my sermonic wit, but I’m a very fearful person especially since it takes much subjugation of my feelings to follow the bliss that actually brings me the most progress. I’m in the first month after my graduation in a weird place. At times I wonder what is next but then I wonder when it’s my turn. Not that I’m selfish, but to get where I am I’ve found alternative ways in conjunction with my spiritually to sustain myself. I bought a Kindle and I’m struggling through Yangihara’s “A Little Life”.

I checked out too many digital books within the Overdrive service—kidding myself really—thinking I’d get through them before reporting to work again. Silly me! I keep thinking often about my actor friend Benjamin Farmer’s words, about embracing the chaos.  If I can access what he said again, I should re-visit for more perspective. Maybe, Fall Out Boy’s MANIA is good for “embracing the chaos”. Are not MANIA and CHAOS the same? At times, I’ve wondered about New York, graduate school, and even finding love. About the finding love, I’m not mentally reading to love another. Maybe I love myself too much right now. It’s kind of hard to strip away yourself in the way love relationships require that you do. But for some reason, I wonder if should.

I have a lot of feelings. And perhaps it’s the complexity of those feelings that engender this litany of contradiction. Maybe it’s the coffee. Maybe I simply needed to sit at the computer and let my mind wonder. But miraculously I feel a million times better now. And I think I’ll give these feelings time to make sense. Although Ingrid Michaelson had some idea that it doesn’t have to make sense, she probably just didn’t want to name her album “Confused White Lady”.

I, today, need to fall in love with my contradictions and somehow because I’m already pretty great, they’ll be beautiful enough for me to be OKAY.

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