Trauma

Right now, I’m considering brewing some coffee while taking in LANY’s “Malibu Nights”. I’ve often said to myself that although I live in Louisiana, my soul exists somewhere within a hybrid universe consisting equal parts California and New York.

The Kavanaugh controversy touches me in the worst way. I’m scared to digest news because my mind keeps going back to Donald Trump mocking a disabled reporter.

Because I’m a Jesus-respecting Christian, I’m waiting for the day I can be completely cleansed of my anger.

It’s been over 24 months and it’s almost totally gone. I think it’s gone because I refused to let my faith become some tool of idol worship.

I’m imperfect and I know that there are errors–seen and unseen— I’ll make in life, love, and influence. I am as human as Donald Trump is, but humans struggle imperfectly when trauma rips them in several pieces.

The pieces we become after traumatic experience usually require some miracle from God. We usually need some Holy Spirit, and some kind of therapy which takes other helpful humans to eventually re-assemble ourselves into something like victory.
Trauma is pain, mental or physical with long-term effect. I’ve been traumatized about the President ever since he made fun of that reporter. And he seems to keep making fun of people. That’s just his way.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve accepted that he is our President.

I have placed his office on a shelf labeled “bizarre” because I have to live in the world with people who are determined to be kind, compassionate, and humane no matter what party they belong to.

If I allow the pain surrounding the chaos he causes to destroy me, I might as well just stop writing, stop reading, stop learning, stop dreaming, and leave America.

But then I would be letting an utterly misguided and slightly disturbed white man run my life, and there’s only so much he can do. He’s only one person, and the nation’s kindness product does not begin and end on his actions or in-actions.

The argument was made by many people, perhaps even Senators that what one does in high school should be overlooked when considering the character of a person.

Apparently, when you’re about to be a Supreme Court justice your high school or college faux-pas cannot haunt you. I’ve seen collegiate people lose valuable positions over their pasts.

I’ve seen people lose employment opportunities because they falsified academic records.
My own high school errors prevented me from starting college until at least 2007. And every action after that point almost prevented my transition to 4 year institution.

So excuse me, if I’m not joining the bandwagon of hurt social pariahs. Maybe, if there are enough public opinions that say you didn’t do something, you didn’t do it.

My point is this: When you have enough money and power to silence people because you “need” your position for a hair-brained scheme, you will bow to the trauma. You’ll lie to accomplish a goal because smart people like a person that they can manipulate, who is emotional and easily played. They like someone who they can exploit using “feelings”.

So why does it bother me that a disabled reporter from the New York Times was ridiculed by the current President?, it’s because I am disabled, and I realize that if a journalist at age 57, could be mocked openly by someone who represents my country, then so could I.

More prescient, I cannot shake the sense that some people are obviously using “white privilege” to craft a narrative that says that white Supreme Court Justices do not make character defining mistakes in college or high school that determine their overall trajectory in life.

Shame to these people I’d say.

As if Christina Ford’s problem were enough to concern me, It’s more idiotic that the House and Senate Republicans are not vocal about his behavior on television as much as he’s vocal about what everyone else does to him.

That should have been enough. I’m confidently certain Obama would never have been able to openly mock people with such voracity, and Clinton’s just a nasty woman.

But Trump invigorates people who are afraid that non-white people would run the country. I don’t discriminate against anyone. Because I’m a Creole man, I’ve never willingly treated anyone with discrimination that I was aware of.

But it’s hard to visualize Trump world without a black box. That black box is: White lawmakers are making all the pronouncements. The optics suggest that there are no other immigrants people smart enough to make rules in a country chock full of immigrants. But I have to stop myself from thinking that this is an actual reality.

The black box—whether with carbon-copy African-Americans, Latinos, is never reality. And the more we feed stereotypes, the dumber we get.

College taught me that black box thinking—that notion that just because this group more likely does A, then everyone like them does A, too—was toxic. That is the problem that separates humanity from its greatest potential. Don Lemon taught me that black gay men could be successful, smart, and not destructive and vindictive.

Reggie Watts taught me that black nerds who improvise constantly can be hilarious. And he shatters the black box because he’s French, German, and black.

The trauma, for me, is others forcing me to believe that a liar like our President can actually benefit traumatized people who seem set on this weird reclamation of a past that was never really there to begin with. I’m wondering how many more books have to be published before the traumatized people wake up. Maybe they don’t want to wake up. My American Government professor was right. Politics is important enough that remaining neutral seems to reflect that of a person that is clinging to life support.

I’m a writer and I have to write my truth. As a disabled person whose days are different based on the condition of aches and pains. I remain traumatized by American chaos. How do you heal trauma. THERAPY. This is my therapy. Characters on the page from a guy who studied a language and observes factions in the fabric of an American vision that is built on the backs of the guy that struggles to pay for food, books, utilities, and a rough while the image of a “inherited wealth” runs the nations goodwill into the ground.

Forgive them because they think they know what they are doing. And after you forgive them, educate yourself about what’s going on… and VOTE.

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